1/1/16-Is life real?

Life often feels like its not real, like I am in Truman show or Ed TV. I spent New Years Eve 2015 with some friend at the house where one of my friends was house sitting.

Last night while leaving I fell on the ice, now my phone is not taking. I always refer to the song from Fame Out Here On My Own. “Sometimes I wonder where I am, who I am how do I fit in? Make belivin’ is hard I know out here on my own”

I am not sure if I can be happy without an external force (in my life). It doesn’t feel like it’s in me. Almost everyone (except for Leah, my therapist at the time and q from others) perceive me as negative. I’m not sure what I am.

I have very little control over my own thoughts of happiness. There are not many things or people that make me happy, no one seems to understand me and I don’t understand myself. I always seem link an outsider.

(Last night I felt like the fifth wheel. Adding to that a woman that I that  I was close with that would like be a dream to be with) seemed to pull away, this came after she disclosed that her father was not her biological father and had adopted her and she told me she had struggled with anorexia in the past. The first one I had no clue, but the anorexia was not all that surprising.

(A different close) female friend make fun of me saying I’m in love with the friend who would be a dream to be with. I would say I Love the person she’s been to me. I’m hopeful it blossoms into much more.

I should read Eat, Pray, Love and Cheryl Strayed’s memoir (Wild). I don’t really know who I am or supposed to be anymore. I want to find the authentic me. It’s somewhere beyond an interest in sports, writing, cooking, curren events, and sex positivity.

“Who am I, How (and where) do I fit in?” The place I feel the most myself is with one of the blogging networks I belong to.

Live, Love, Happiness, sense of accomplishment, belonging,being appreciated and wanted. Isn’t that all any of us wants?