30 Days of Gratitude: Bonus Prompt 3: Sadness

If it wasn’t for sadness in our lives how would we know how to be grateful for the things in our lives that are good.

Sadness conjures up deep emotions. We can think of loved ones that have passed, good times that were but are not now and missed opportunities. For me, there are two days in my life that embodied sadness more than any other….and by a wide margin.

My ex-had been in the hospital for almost a week except for 12 hours at home. Less than 48 hours to her return to the hospital she had to have a routine procedure to drain fluid from her wrist.

She came out of the procedure without any pain. This had been after a week of being in the most excruciating pain of her life. I received a call from the hospital that she was being rushed to another hospital for emergency back surgery.

When I arrived at the hospital to see her before she was transferred I was informed she had no feeling from the chest down. She became paralyzed for the rest of her life. The surgery saved her life.

I was devastated. It really clarified my love for her. The first two months of her illness I cried myself to sleep every night.

Eleven months after her paralysis she filed for divorce. It was a three-year custody battle that her siblings turned into a nasty power struggle. Thirty-four months after she filed for divorce she gained custody of our children despite her condition.

I was once again devastated and my innate feeling of sadness matched what had been 45 months earlier. It was a feeling I thought I would never have again.

I didn’t cry myself to sleep this time. I was too numb to even have any feelings anymore. That was almost two years ago. I don’t feel much different and the sadness has not gone away.

I always wanted to raise children. The ability to do so on a daily basis was taken away from me. I deal with sadness, depression, and anxiety regarding this every day.

The love that I lost I can try and regain with another person. Losing my children is something I will never be able to replace.

 

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