Not wanting to go to sleep

It’s long past the hours I should be sleeping. Staying up puts off tomorrow.

The last six plus years have been a continuum of hell. I’ve lost close to everything important to me. I often avoid going to sleep. It seems to be an unconscious way of avoiding the next day.

People often say there is always tomorrow. In my world that’s not a good thing. The only opportunity tomorrow brings is for something else bad to happen.

The opportunity for love, success and happiness seem to be gone. I’m not sure I ever really had those things anyway.

I’ve never truly liked myself or my life. I sought out many professionals and activities to change the way I think. Nothing has been successful. Now my latest is I might have to find somewhere new to live. Life has become so nightmare.

In often so depressed I put things off. Then once it’s bedtime I bounce around in social media. I do love the quietness and seeming stillness the late night. I often like the darkness too.

What I miss the most about late night is having someone to share the bed with. Someday I hope life stabilizes.


Blog Elul: Prompt 15: Intend

What we intend to do and our actions are often if not frequently very different. It reminds me of “it’s not the gift, it’s the thought that counts”.

I’ve also frequently thought about ambition versus drive. People often say they want someone that ambitious. That can be through work or in a relationship. We all have ambitions and things we intend to do. How many people truly have the drive to get things done.

What I have intended and wanted to do have been very different than my ability to get things done. I’ve often gotten lost in my own thoughts. My fear of failure, not knowing how to get to where I want to be are nearly always in conflict with what Intend to or want to do.

When we are going to buy a gift for someone is it truly the thought that counts? Imagine telling a significant¬†other I thought about buying you a gift and intended to do so, but wasn’t able to. Is it truly the thought that counts? The intent. This truly only works when really buying a gift for someone.

Working on intent is important for all of us. It has to be more than just the intent to do something. Taking action is important. Imagine all the things that would not have gotten accomplished if there was only intent.


Blog Elul: prompt 14: learn

We begin learning from the moment we are born. We take in the surroundings around us. Learn our environment and bond with our parents.

Life should should be continual learning. My grandmother once said to me in her later years that she was too old to change. No one should ever cease learning or the ability to change. I wasn’t necessarily the best student. But I always thrived to learn. Growing up the family encyclopedias were in my room. When I would get bored or curious I would always look something up in the encyclopedia. Sometimes it would be random, other times something to answer a question or something that would peak my curiosity. There are many ways for us to learn. Nearly too many to type out. We can learn through experience, something we read or see, by getting taught or through someone else relaying of their experience. Sometimes are toughest lessons can be when we learn the most. It’s often what we do with those lessons that can determine the directions our life goes in.

Blog Elul: prompt 13: remember

This blog challenge is overdue for a couple of months. It wasn’t because I didn’t remember to write. Some of these topics are painful.

There are so many things in life we have to remember. When we leave in the morning do we remember our keys, wallet or purse, what the kids mightn’t need for school? How about the less concrete things in life.

Too often when we are partnered we forget to do the things we did early in a relationship to woo them. Do we still buy flowers? Treat them with the respect we did at the beginning? Show them the love we did earlier in the relationship?

How much do we remember to love ourselves? That might be the hardest thing to do. An ex of mine would often say how can I expect to be loved if I don’t love myself.

Going through some very dark times for a long time has often made me forget how to love everything. Somehow I still believe in love and hope to find it again someday.

When it comes to remembering anything my brain seems to work randomly. It often shuts down to avoid difficult emotions. I wonder how it works and if I remember the things I need to be doing instead of random facts.

I wish I could find someone to help me with this. I’ve been destroyed. I want to remember what it feels like to be valued. I’m starting to feel that way professionally.

I just need to find a way to make more money. We all need to remember to care for ourselves and those most important to us. That can be anyone in life.

Blog Elul: Prompt 12: Count

We count throughout our entire lives, everyday. We count literally and figuratively. Learning how to count is one of the first things we do.

What, when and where we count can be an important way we live life. How much do we do for ourselves and others? It’s not the amount that we do that should matter.

Those that truly care do a Mitzvah because it’s the right thing to do and out of compassion, not because they have a need to count or compare how many things they do for others.

I recently lost a friend over a variance of disagreements. Throughout an email to me there was nine I statements about all the things this person had done for me. It really illustrated that it seemed to be the deeds were almost done to say look at me and what I did, not out of compassion.

In his book Sacred Hoops Phil Jackson discussed the importance of the journey over the destination. It felt like a rare stance in sports. We often count that statistics in sports. How many championships has a team won, points has a players scored. We rarely look at what it takes for a team to get there m, the hard work a player puts in or the diversity it took along the way.

For all his greatness people often forget the adversity Michael Jordan faced along the way. He missed the majority of his second year in the NBA with a broken foot, he didn’t win a playoff series until his fourth year in the league and fourth playoff series.

Jackson’s theory is advice we should all take time to ponder. Instead of counting the destination of reaching our goals, we all need to enjoy the journey of getting there.


I wrote this post on social media on Erev Kol Nidre:

Most of my friends are either Catholic or Jewish. They are the only two religions known for guilt.

As those of us that are Jewish prepare to fast and ask for forgiveness and forgive others when do we appreciate those that bring good to our lives and are there for us.

Too much of religion is looking at the negative, instead of those that have been there for us. I appreciate of those that are supportive both in real life and on social media. Social Media has a lot of negatives, but the power of connecting with others outweighs that.

Be thankful for those that care and always appreciate them. Not just on Thanksgiving. It doesn’t matter who in your life that is. The important thing is having someone.

Why does it matter?

I feel destroyed, crushed, devastated. If the future appeared bleak that would be a positive. There is nowhere to go from here.

I've had everything important taken from me. It's hard to see any positives at all.l in my life. I want to and at times I do. I'm thankful for my friends. My family has pretty much ignored my existence. Some people have no one.

My friends can't change the future though. Sometimes I feel like I just want to be alone for the remainder of my life. At least there will be no disappointments. No expectations of others.

Getting to a place of success has always been difficult for me. How do I reach my goals? I don't have many as it is. The ones I had were destroyed , they are gone. Pilfered by someone with an agenda to make it happen. They did that.

They also had a lot of help from the legal community fueled by lies and exaggerations. When someone with unlimited funds wants to ruin someone it's not difficult to do.

I've been searching for two years without much success. I seem to be getting closer to that. Hopefully some stability will come with it.

Sitting in bed

I sit in bed staring at my phone. In shock about life. Wondering what the future holds and how do I get to a productive future?

I've been awake for a while. Got out of bed to go to the bathroom. I'm shocked, stunned and decimated over where this journey has taken me. I see the light at the and of the tunnel but no way to get there.

It feels like everything is stacked against me. My friends both real and on social media don't seem to get it. I'm depressed and anxious but not suicidal. The irony is I have a big fear of death.

But recent events have created a very bleak future. I feel trapped. I have no say in my own life. All I want is to be happy but I don't know how to get there.

People point to different times in my life saying I was happy. I don't think I was ever truly happy. I've always been a grass is greener on the other side person. In my case that's literally true. My neighbors take better care of their lawn.

I made decisions no one should have to make. Life is bleak. I continue to sit in my cold bedroom under my comforter. It's literally and figuratively comforting.

The clock is ticking. I feel emotionally paralyzed. I've felt that way for years. I've lost everything. I feel numb. My ability to mobilize often seems blocked by outside forces. I just want to be happy and be able to live my life. That doesn't seem possible.

I try to be productive and then I'm told it wasn't the correct thing to do. I don't even know the right thing to do anymore. I feel bullied from multiple places.

I've come to a place where I prefer to be in the dark. It's feels comforting. I don't know how the future is going to play out or how I can ever look at the positive. That's always been a struggle. None more so than now.

I've lost friends for being negative. I don't even care anymore. Where they friends in the first place?

Where are really my feelings anymore? I offer get shutdown for expressing my feelings. It feels easier and safer to not jab any anymore. To not expect anything from myself or others means no disappointments.

My life is a mess. I often feel like one too. Life can often overwhelm me but not in the ways others might think. Things that would overwhelm others come easy for me and things that should seem easy overwhelm me.

I often wonder my place in the world. Sometime I wish I could just be somewhere remote with wireless that would allow me to write. Little else matters anymore.

Blog Elul:Prompt 11: Trust

Trust is important in any relationship. Without trust its hard for anything else to succeed.

This relates to business, Romantic, work, etc. Without trust how can a relationship succeed. It seems hard to quantify trust.

Some people have to earn it. Others you might build s rapore with quickly and it might come instantly. Who we trust and how we trust them can often shape the direction of our lives. If we trust the wrong person it can be something that destroyed us forever.

Trust the right person and things can turn out well. This remains to be held true throughout all the aspects of our lives. Learning who and how to trust can often be difficult. Some people that have their trust betrayed often have trouble going forward.

Even someone with devious plans will often build up trust with a victim in order to to be able to use them to get what or where they want.

Spending time and building relationships with the person we trust, will be there for us and be supportive are important for living a quality life. It's often family. Not everyone is that fortunate.

If we have friends, co-workers or a support group of people we feel we can Rely on and trust to be there for us that's what's important. We need to be able to trust that someone will be understanding, compassionate and caring towards our thoughts and needs. Without that many are sadly alone.

In the dark

The last few days I have sat alone in my room in the dark. It's what has felt easiest.

I don't know what the future will hold. It's scary. Everyone always says "this" year will be better. Yet every year seems to get worse. I'm numb. I try to reach out and do things to better myself. Nothing seems to work.

Sitting in the dark gives me a sense of comfort. It's calming. Along with lexapro and melatonin it helps to calm me. I often wonder if some people in life are not designated for success, love and happiness.

The future is a big unknown and seems bleak. Everything I've loved and that's important is lost. It's hard to see anything bright. The light might be at the end of the tunnel but it's doesn't seem reachable.

People offer to help and then don't. It's hard to find anything that's sustainable. Things work for s short time then fall off.

I just have to accept where I am and where I'm likely to be going.